Friday 30 April 2021

April 30, 2021

Nipped out to get bread, milk and bananas; came home with bread, milk, bananas and a giant framed poster of the Wizard of Oz:


As you do. 

This is the sort of thing that happens when you live near lots of charity shops.

On the way I also got slobbered on and slightly chewed by a sleek and silky excitable four month old black labrador puppy I met on the street, which was obviously excellent, so all in all it was a very good excursion.

I don't have that much wall space here in this tiny bedsit, so now I need to work out what to do with the poster. The guitar might have to go:

I'm still trying to process this afternoon's online presentation, so maybe I'll write about it tomorrow when the trauma's worn off. I attempted to answer a question from the audience at the end of it and the horror of my fumbled, defensive, incoherent reply will give me sleepless nights for the next few decades.

As soon as I managed to stop staring at the wall endlessly replaying the exchange and coming up with the several million brilliant things I should've said, I went to the park, trying to walk the cortisol out of my body:

I'm glad I did, as I saw my first swallow of 2021 hunting for insects over the lake in the fading light.

The swallows are back.

This fills me with hope.

Onwards.

Today's Photo: Rhododendron


Thursday 29 April 2021

April 29, 2021

A day of tiny triumphs:

Work was phenomenally busy but I still managed to do everything in the available time .

I renewed my car insurance. Renewing car insurance is my least favourite job ever. Choice is just confusing and here there is limitless choice, endless options, a thousand details to wade through. Urgh. But now it's done for another year. Yay. Yay til next time.

I submitted the essay even though the deadline isn't until midnight Monday. 

The magpies are now happy to sit and scoff whatever's out on the windowsill while I'm just on the other side of the glass. From time to time they fix me with a beady eye and I like to think this means that one day they will be confident enough to sit on my shoulder and nibble my earlobe affectionately or perhaps bring me gifts.

I forgot to have dinner again so I've just ordered a giant pizza for delivery.

On the downside, it's felt like Friday all day.

I think my brain is trying to cancel real Friday because that's the day of the presentation.

Today's Photo: I Didn't Like It And The Magpies Don't Either



Wednesday 28 April 2021

April 28, 2021

At some point last week or the week before, I noticed the sidebar for this blog had disappeared.

After posting last night, I went looking for it and found it squashed up at the bottom of the page.

I fiddled around in Themes for a while but got nowhere. Then a quick internet search revealed the problem is going to be some errant HTML code posted somewhere and the fix is to simply find it and remove it.

Right. Yes, I have all the time in the world for that.

A little digging around last night failed to locate the offending post.

Maybe it's something I'll have time to investigate properly next week. In the meantime, please excuse the yawning void on the right of the page.

Hunting for bad links past midnight made me oversleep this morning.

I woke up to something unexpected. Rain! I'd forgotten it existed.

Someone at today's Teams meeting said it was due to snow where they were in Scotland, though, so I'm not complaining.

Today's Photo: Welcome Back



Tuesday 27 April 2021

April 27, 2021

I've felt strangely in control of the uni work for about a week now, and I don't know whether to feel suspicious about this good feeling, or just enjoy the ride.

It's been a group work module, so the burden of patching together a 15 minute presentation - the horror task - has been shared between six of us.

Our first rehearsal was this morning. We're doing two slides each, and have to talk for 2 minutes. Rather than rely on notes, I wrote a script, timed it, honed it, practised it. So did the other mature student. The 18-year-olds winged it, one of them - the extrovert and thus our unofficial team leader - successfully. The other mostly shrieked, giggled and apologised. The usually silent girl ploughed through her bit awkwardly; I felt for her. The lone male on the team didn't turn up to the meeting.

Another rehearsal tomorrow where I'm sure all these minor problems will be smoothed out. 

I didn't feel that nervous today because it's a million times easier to talk to a powerpoint slide on a screen than to a roomful of people. We're also being marked individually for presenting and I'm happy with my bit so I don't give a shit what the others do. Hurrah!

The rest of the assessment is merely churning out four 400-word blog posts about what I've learned from doing a group work module, and writing a 1000-word essay about something I learned from the presentation.

The essay's so easy I've done it already. I've done two out of four blog posts; the deadline is Sunday and the hardest bit is dumbing it down to 400 words.

At 6.30pm, like a normal person with no university commitments, I went out for an enjoyable after-dinner stroll. 

I love this no-pressure vibe. Hope I can carry it into the next module.

If I can do that, maybe I will come back next year.

Today's Photo: Art Everywhere



Monday 26 April 2021

April 26, 2021

Half the fun of a Monday morning is trying to remember where you parked your car on Friday. 

Found it eventually. Also found a new Extinction Rebellion mural.

Nice work team.

Today's Photo: No Ice Caps No Cardiff


Sunday 25 April 2021

April 25, 2021

At 9pm I realised I hadn't taken a photo today or eaten lunch or dinner.

So I quickly got some food in my face and took a picture of the first thing I saw, which happened to be the cover of a book I found in the charity shop last week, about the Berlin Wall.

I've been interested in the Iron Curtain since my trip to Berlin in 2018 - I suppose it's something to do with the 'special interests' autistic people are all supposed to have, although I'm not sure what they call it when normals find something interesting too.

I'm not a facts and figures buff, and I certainly won't talk to you about it for hours, I just like to gather information and muse on the human implications of these things. An understanding via the heart.

Driving south from Lübeck on my Europe campervan trip of 2019, I visited the very out-of-the-way Iron Curtain museum I'd heard about from a comment under a Guardian travel article.

It was tiny, and everything was in German (which I don't understand a word of), but even so I found it profoundly moving. 

Outside, they'd recreated a section of border fence, with its original watchtower.  

The cruelty it represented, the horror of it, was so sickening it made me cry.

But autistic people aren't supposed to have empathy either, remember? Ha, what a joke. To be honest, it would be nice NOT to care so deeply about stuff. It's a heavy weight to carry. But once you know things, you can't un-know.

A gay friend of mine went to Berlin and spent the whole time at nightclubs and orgies. When I went, I just walked around seeing ghosts.

Today's Photo: Mauer

 



Saturday 24 April 2021

April 24, 2021

Up early to write and think and read.

At 2pm, a group meeting lasting two hours, to get the powerpoint slides done.

After that, a much needed nap. This time I managed to wake up in time for dinner.

After dinner, a stroll in the sunshine until the sun went down.

There were a million people in the park, but get this - it didn't feel like a problem. If you want to know the most significant side effect of the vaccine, that's it.

More glorious views, and the air full of birdsong:

 

I've never been happier for Spring to be here. 

But now I need another dinner.

Today's Photo: Looking At Me Looking At You

 

Friday 23 April 2021

April 23, 2021

I hereby declare balcony season open too - it's warm enough to sit out there now when I get home from work:


Hallelujah! Looking forward to when it properly heats up and I can sleep out there. Which is really going to confuse the magpie neighbours.

After a cruisy couple of weeks where the only demanding thing I've had to do was attend daily meetings to thrash out the contents of a group presentation, suddenly it's game on - this weekend is going to be 100% hard work.

Tasks:

1) as a group, write and design a powerpoint for the 15 minute presentation

2) individually, write a 1000-word supporting document on some aspect of the topic covered in the presentation

3) individually, write four pretend blog posts in various styles linking what I've learned about crap like teamwork and critical thinking to the presentation

It wasn't possible to make a proper start on anything until the contents of the presentation were sorted, which only happened yesterday. Deadline's next Friday. Ugh.

Yesterday morning, I briefly enjoyed being at university. It was the session where we had to report back on our backyard anthropology projects, and it was fascinating hearing what everyone had come up with.

One of the two 18-year-olds went and sat in a graveyard and thought about how visitors behave there and why. The other considered the bizarre language and rituals they and their flatmates have developed since being locked down together in campus accommodation. 

The mother of two walked along a local heritage trail, hoping to strike up conversations with people along the way; but unusually no one she encountered wanted to chat, and she wondered if it was Covid-caution causing this reticence or her own expectations/nervousness about doing the project.

The young dad who lives on a rural commune went to interview the bloke who makes up the veg boxes he gets delivered, wondering about veg box trends and the reasons why people choose them. To his surprise, when they got chatting, he found that the veg box guy had had more or less exactly the same life experiences as him - gone to the same places, walked the same paths, literally and figuratively. Instead of veg box facts and figures, he came away profoundly moved by the weird synchronicity of the encounter.

And then there was me. I'd gone and sat on the rec at four different times of day, for about 15 minutes each time, just noticing how people used the space.

I noticed that people tend to congregate down the car park end. 

I noticed that the lads unthinkingly take up whatever space they need for their activities, whereas ladies tend to cluster.

I noticed that despite me thinking it was 'really crowded' from the safety of my flat, when I got down there and actually counted there were far fewer discreet groups than I imagined.

I noticed that, despite having this vast open space to walk on, almost everybody stuck to the paths that go around the edge.

I also noticed how stupidly excited I felt getting ready to go and sit on the grass, gathering notebook and pen and sunglasses and a bottle of water - as if I needed permission to be there. This in particular gave me much food for thought.

Our lovely tutor praised our half-baked efforts, managed to prise impressive academic spin out of it all, and made us feel like we were incredibly talented and wonderful. Which is what everybody needs to hear from time to time.

It was a good day.

Tomorrow, not so much.

Today's Photo: Magpie Chum Wondering Why There's A Human On Its Balcony


Thursday 22 April 2021

April 22, 2021

Cheating a bit by writing this on the 23rd and backdating it - last night, after a blissful day in the sunshine, I went to bed for a pre-dinner "nap" at 7.15pm and didn't resurface until the alarm went off this morning.

Anyway, yes, I spent the day mostly taking pictures of bluebells and blossom, judging by my camera roll:


Also spent some time working on the eternal problem of trying to get a satisfactory photo of a tufted duck:

At the lake, a wren posed nicely for me, there were ducklings, and a bunch of sleepy goslings:

I overheard a teenage boy say about the goslings, "They're just at that age where they stop being cute." Oh the irony.

It was a lovely day and the views were glorious; the park didn't feel too crowded either, which made it even nicer:


Best of all I collected my first lot of wild garlic from the wildwood. A bit later than usual this year due to lingering lockdown anxiety, but I hereby declare Weasel's wild garlic season open!


Got to love a bit of free salad.

Today's Photo: The Girl With The Buttercup Eyes



Wednesday 21 April 2021

April 21, 2021

A complicated car insurance phone call, followed by a two hour session on Teams to thrash out the uni groupwork assignment, followed by meeting a friend for a takeaway burger and a stroll round the park, followed by a Zoom call with two nieces and a toddler great-nephew in New Zealand.

Even when I love them dearly, talking to people at length is exhausting.

Some days I really know I'm autistic. Right now I could crawl into a hole and sleep for a week.

Today's Photo: The Rec


Tuesday 20 April 2021

April 20, 2021

In a charity shop this morning I spotted Douglas Adams' Life, The Universe and Everything shelved under History:


This was just as good as the time I found On Chesil Beach in a Travel section. I love stumbling upon people's best guesses on the bookshelves of charity shops.

The crowning glory of misshelves has to go to my local public library, though, which has catalogued When The Professor Got Stuck In The Snow as Biography. The closing stages of that merry tale has Richard Dawkins hijacking a tank, which should be true but as far as I know, isn't.

I really love these bright warm days too. They make starting work at 7.45am a delight. It's so nice to stroll around the site in the sunshine, hearing nothing but birdsong, and do your job and go home (or to the charity shop) before most people have arrived.

Today's Photo: Workplace View


Monday 19 April 2021

April 19, 2021

Did get out for a walk in the end last night:

 
Bat o'clock is the best time of day.
 
(They just tarted up the lighthouse with a fresh coat of paint and lights all over it but for some reason they can't make it show the right time?)
 
Went back to work this morning after a three week break. It was nice to be there. I enjoy the work, the site is quiet, and it's a solo role so nobody bothers me. I feel very lucky to have a job I don't actively dread (I've had too many of those) and, even better, I get university holidays off.

The rest of the day was taken up with lectures, tutorials, study meetings and workshops. One of the tasks for this module is to write a blog post about climate change for a target audience of 14-16 year olds. 
 
While trying to find out what a GCSE student might already know, I discovered that teenagers nowadays are far better educated than I was at their age and, indeed, than I am now. BBC Bitesize is amazing and I've learned about things I've never heard of before, like Quaternary Periods and Milankovitch cycles and Coriolis forces and Ferrel cells. 
 
Pretty sure that during Geography lessons back in the day we just traced maps of Norway, and in Science, just bullied the teacher.

Meanwhile the cactus that flowers every year has started to do its thing:

This makes me feel very summery; and what's not to like about that.

Today's Photo: Street Reflections



Sunday 18 April 2021

April 18, 2021

OK so I haven't left the flat all weekend, but on the plus side I feel much less anxious and I also got a little work done.

Wide awake before dawn, even before the birds started singing, I got stuck into some university reading I wanted to do.

Putting the light on I think disturbed the robin, because it started shouting a moment later, and then when the sun came up properly I caught it giving me a filthy look.

Later I did an inventory of my stockpiled food. This is food I've hoarded not just for lockdowns one, two and three, but also for the various Brexit deadlines over the years. Quite a lot of it is out of date now, but it's all in tins so hey.

I then caught up with more uni reading, and watched the tutorial I missed in favour of sitting by the river on Thursday. It was about doing fieldwork, and one of the tips the absolutely stellar anthropology tutor gave us was about how not to get in your own way. If you're shy, design a project that won't be hampered by your shyness; if you're a lazy bastard, design a project that a lazy bastard can manage, she said, and this is why we love her.

I now have to do a mini 'backyard anthropology' project of my choosing, and report back next Thursday. Hmm. This could be hard when I hate leaving the house. Design a project that would suit a pathologically avoidant autistic hermit?

Then I made a curry from scratch, using one of my 14 expired tins of chopped tomatos, the ancient spice stockpile, some half-dead mushrooms and categorically defunct spinach, a tin of jackfruit that I bought on a whim in 2019, a can of coconut milk that should by rights be in a museum not in my dinner, and do you know what? It's great.

Today's Photo: Draw Your Curtains You Freak


 

Saturday 17 April 2021

April 17, 2021


What a difference a day makes - the tree outside is burgeoning.

Last night I was so exhausted after another university hell day I ordered food from Just Eats, rammed it into my face and then went to bed. It was still light outside. No matter.

Today I was overcome by a desire to stay in bed and watch DVDs. I worked my way through Mona Lisa Smile, American Graffiti, the Making of American Graffiti (78 mins), and Milton Jones: Lion Whisperer Live. These can now be returned to the charity shop. Next up is The Inbetweeners - series one of the TV series, not the film - which I will wash down with curry and beer in true British fashion.

Maybe when I've watched that I might start tucking in to the delicious feast I found on YouTube - Idler's A Drink With series. Chris Difford! Ruby Wax! David Graeber! Stewart Lee! And Michael Palin will be along soon. What a treat. Sure is nice being idle.

My magpie neighbours now come and brazenly gorge themselves on the nuts and seeds I put out on the windowsill while I am just the other side of the glass. This is wonderful but they reward me for the snacks by pooping everywhere.

Most popular: walnuts. Least popular: sesame seeds. You live and learn.

Today's Photo: The Thanks I Get



Friday 16 April 2021

April 16, 2021

Public Service Announcement: If you're making DIY toothpaste using a half-remembered recipe where you know the ingredients are bicarbonate of soda, peppermint oil and water, but in what proportions you cannot recall, do not first attempt to make the paste with peppermint oil and bicarb alone. 

This is my advice to you.

If you do do it this way, you will find that your toothpaste is quite refreshing:

And your teeth will feel clean, but for all the wrong reasons:

Water first, chaps, for consistency, then add peppermint oil for flavouring, and not the other way round.

Today's Photo: Tree Leaves (aka Soon My View Will Disappear)



Thursday 15 April 2021

April 15, 2021

I needed to be outside in the sunshine more than I needed a degree today.

This is how I ended up skimming stones at a peaceful spot on the River Rhymney for a while. 

 
 
It was very therapeutic. 
 
The stroll through Rumney Hill Gardens to get down to the river wasn't too shabby either:
 

 


I missed a tutorial, but never mind. It was good to have a day away from the laptop, it cleared my head. I feel I can actually tackle some uni work now.
 
Today's Photo: Beautiful Bluebells
 



Wednesday 14 April 2021

April 14, 2021

These articles have helped me feel less alone with how I'm feeling:

Brain Fog: how trauma, uncertainty and isolation have affected our minds and memory (Moya Sarner - The Guardian)

What Does Feeling Okay Even Feel Like Anymore? (Susan Orlean - Medium)

We Have Hit A Wall (Sarah Lyall - New York Times)

Meanwhile I'm still experimenting with being in denial about being at university. Turns out that without that pressure I can still manage to have a pleasant and almost-productive day, even when burdened with anhedonia and the attention span of a wet spaniel.

Today's Photo: Singing His Heart Out


Tuesday 13 April 2021

April 13, 2021

Not the best mental health day today. I pretended university didn't exist, and concentrated on getting through the hours as gently as possible instead.

Some minor key highlights:

A helicopter landed on the rec again. That's twice in one year now. You wait for ages and then they all come along etc etc.

A herring gull arrived to have a look at the food I leave out on the windowsill for the robin and magpie neighbours, and the magpie came and chased it off. I love that it felt proprietorial - that means we're friends now.

It cost £30 to send a small parcel of very belated Christmas gifts to a friend in New Zealand. I was just glad I'd finally summoned the energy to wrap and post them and write a little note to go inside. Sorry Matt but I've barely been functioning since about July. It's a lockdown thing - be extremely grateful you don't understand.

I went in a shop that wasn't a supermarket just because I could but I didn't buy anything.

Then I went in a shop that was a supermarket and bought a Wellwoman MAX vitabiotics triple pack and some chocolate and a pack of ten black biros.

Then to wrap it all up, another evening walk to watch the last light fade from the sky.

Tomorrow is another day.

Today's Photo: "If we winter this one out, we can summer anywhere."



Monday 12 April 2021

April 12, 2021

More travel nostalgia today thanks to Eva Wiseman's lovely article in the Graun about airports, and a chapter in the book I'm reading, The Way The World Works by Nicholson Baker, that made me miss the whole business of flying:

Usually I don't become interested in the wing until the plane has taken off. Before that there are plenty of other things to look at - the joking baggage handlers pulling back the curtain on the first car of a three-car suitcase train; the half-height service trucks lowering their conveyors; the beleaguered patches of dry grass making a go of it between two runways; the drooped windsock. As you turn onto the runway, you sometimes get a glimpse of it stretching ahead, and sometimes you can even see the plane that was in line ahead of you dipping up, lifting its neck as it begins to grab the air. Before the forward pull that begins a takeoff, the cabin lights and the air pressure come on, as if the pilot had awakened to the full measure of his responsibility; and then, looking down, you see the black tire marks on the asphalt sliding past, traces of heavier-than-usual landings. (It still feels faintly worrisome that the same runway can be used for takeoffs and landings.) Some of the black rubber-marks are on a slight bias to the straightway, and there are more and more of them, a sudden crowding that looks like Japanese calligraphy, and then fewer again as you heave past the place where most incoming planes land. You're gaining speed now. Fat yellow lines swoop in and join the center yellow line of your runway, like the curves on the end of LP records. And finally you're up: you may see a clump of service buildings, or a lake, or many tiny blue swimming pools, or a long, straight bridge, and then you go higher until there is nothing but distant earth padded here and there with cloud. Then, out of a pleasant sort of loneliness, ignoring the person who is sitting next to you, you begin to want to get to know the wing and its engine.

The chapter is called No Step and Baker goes on to list all the esoteric messages he's seen stencilled onto the wings of aeroplanes over the years. Here, truly, is a man after my own heart; my own notebooks are full of stuff like that and my favourite activity on any flight, after eating and sleeping, is staring agog out of the window. 

It was a bit of a horror day today university-wise, so stressful I had to stop and do breathing exercises on several occasions. Four breaths in, hold for four, seven breaths out, repeat until calm.

To decompress, in the evening I got a fish & chip supper and drove up to Caerphilly Mountain to stuff my face then walk it off while the sun went down.

After that, I wandered round Caerphilly town centre. If you look caerphilly (geddit?) you might spot the castle in this picture taken from the top of the mountain:

Caerphilly is the largest castle in Wales and was built in 1271, which is pretty incredible when you think about it. However, I'm no historian so obviously I prefer the Tommy Cooper statue across the road:

I sometimes forget that interesting places are on my doorstep; instead of longing for far-flung places I can't currently get to I should make more of an effort to go out and explore the nearby.

Today's Photo: Orange Sunset