October 31, 2021

Just had a power cut - only the tiniest flicker; lights off and on again in the blink of an eye. Long enough to turn off the microwave and router, not long enough to reset the alarm clock.

Long enough also to garner an "Oooh" from passers-by outside, where it evidently knocked the street lights out for a moment.

A local reporter reports:

Responders to the tweet said it was felt in Cardiff, Magor, Caerphilly, Bridgend, Abertridwr, Ceredigion, Barry and even Bristol. Some blamed solar flares, others blamed Halloween ("ghosts in the machine"). 

I blame this government - it's bound to be their fault somehow. Everything else is.

Had a lovely walk round the lake this morning, mostly in between showers. It was quite flooded:

I like it when it rains; it keeps the people away. 

There was some sensible advice on the underpass, although too late for many and judging by the writing possibly the author was simply expressing regret on the way home after a big night out:

Along Cat Street I discovered the usual house had nailed the seasonal decoration:

(NB: Their house isn't usually surrounded by an electric fence.)

At the other end of the scale, there was the usual wonderful mundane Halloween stuff on Twitter. 

My Halloween costume this evening is a middle aged woman wondering if 7.30pm is too early to go to bed.

Today's Photo: Shiny Pigeon

October 30, 2021

I've just put my clocks back because I like to get a good run up to the time change, prepare for it, just like when I used to zip between New Zealand and the UK I'd try and adjust to the new time zone a day or two in advance (it was a good excuse to stay up all night).

It's less of a shock to the system if you can mentally adjust beforehand. Nothing more bewildering than casually losing an hour or a day; or weeks and months, in the case of the 2020 lockdown.

Fall Back just makes me long for Spring Forward, the return of the light. As ever, I tell myself it won't be long - just a few short months: you can do it.

I thought I'd get into the spirit of Halloween today by carving a pumpkin, except I didn't have a pumpkin and couldn't be bothered to go out and get one.

Amazing what you can do with a satsuma and a Sharpie, innit. If I eat this before Halloween proper I'll have to repeat the exercise on either an apple, a kiwifruit, an onion or an ageing banana.

Today's Photo: Green Bike

October 29, 2021

A too-cool-for-school photography tutor once said to me, with a long sigh and wry smile and a shake of the head, "If I see another phototgraph of a reflection in a puddle I might scream."

Well, that's too bad, because it was the kind of rain-washed morning that makes it compulsory to take pictures of puddles. Are you not meant to rejoice at the wild beauty and weird abstracts under your feet?

For all the snobs and sneerers and similarly joyless: up yours.

Today's Photo: Another Photograph of a Reflection in a Puddle

 

October 28, 2021

Something that is fun to do is trap the fruit flies in my kitchen in a jam jar and release them at the bathroom window where Princess Leggy lives in the window frame.

Princess Leggy seems to appreciate the gesture and it is fairly gripping entertainment, for us both I suspect.

It is not instant doom for the fruit flies - they have an equal chance of escaping out of the window vent or just flying off as becoming spider lunch.

I realise this is weird.

Princess Leggy was the only other occupant of my flat when we went into lockdown in March 2020 and so out of necessity I became quite fond of him/her/it. 

The best thing about Princess Leggy is that you always know where she is - no running across the carpet or skulking along skirting boards for this one. 

After watching fruit flies wandering around on the cobwebs, I realised the webs are not for entrapment, they're for transport - they're cellar spider highway. I have also learned a lot about fruit fly behaviour. You'd think they'd all be thick as bricks but some of them are very smart.

Anyway that's why I haven't cleaned the cobwebs away from the bathroom window for nearly two years, don't judge me.

Today's Photo: Worst Hallowe'en Display Ever

October 27, 2021

Overslept again. 

Woke at 7.36am this time, so I got to work just about when I should've by forgoing a shower and breakfast (again).

This is not a good development. Have pencilled in an early night tonight to see if that helps.

I combined morning and evening shifts quite happily for a long time pre-pandemic. I think the difference now is a) I'm older and tireder and b) I used to work alone in the evenings but now I work with other people and I suspect the interaction is wearing me out.

But it's most likely being old and tired. I've also got at least seven of these so it's not looking good:

Today's Photo: Driving Thru

October 26, 2021

I wasn't joking yesterday about Mondays being tiring.

This morning, when one of my three alarms finally brought me round, I opened one eye and immediately clocked that it was Too Light.

"SHIT."

I rolled out of bed hoping it wasn't gone 10 or, worse, 11.

Small mercies: it was 8.17.

I'm meant to be at work by 7.45. Luckily, there aren't that many people around that early and I work by myself so fingers crossed nobody would notice me sneaking in late. I pulled on yesterday's clothes and grabbed a banana and ran out the door and got there at half past.

Not the greatest start to the day - no coffee! - and it was the first time I've massively overslept in the three years I've been there (...slightly oversleeping is entirely normal).

Wandered down to the post office later and admired the Hallowe'en decorations in the tree outside the cool house on the corner (you know the one I mean):

Then I treated myself to lunch in the Pear Tree. They had cool Hallowe'en decorations too:

Unfortunately the Hallowe'en theme continued back home, when I found this monster lurking in the bathroom:

I cannot describe how huge and horrible this thing is. Its legs wouldn't fit inside the circumference of a jam jar. 

I've seen it skulking around before - two previous bathroom sightings, one time it was sneaking around the edge of the room on its way somewhere, and last week, horrifically, it ran straight across the middle of the floor, making a beeline for under the sofa, while I was on the sofa.

Now, while I respect spiders' rights to life, liberty and justice as fellow earthlings, I do not want them coming anywhere near me. Especially not massive nightmare ones like this. 

If I see it anywhere near my bed, no question, I'll have to move out.

Today's Photo: Birthday Borat

October 25, 2021

Mondays are tiring. They provide a week's worth of activity all in one go; I'm too old for that shit.

After I got home from the evening job, I strolled around the rec to stretch my legs before going inside, something I used to do a lot back in the day. 

It felt good; I need to start moving again. My knees are getting creaky from where I've been in a near-permanent trifold (no.3) since March 2020:

Finally got the marks back for the first module. Same sort of grades as last year - mid-to-high 70s. My lucky streak continues.

Onwards.

Today's Photo: Drive Time

 

 

October 24, 2021

Took the camera out for a walk this afternoon, just like the good old days when I used to not spend ALL my time staring at screens.

Collected some shadows:

And some other good stuff:

When I was photographing the mushrooms, a woman with a pushchair stopped to ask me if I'd noticed a small boy on a scooter go past. I hadn't. She silently turned to survey the rec, the footpaths to either side, the road and the brook behind us. Then she turned back to me, and the anguish on her face was terrible. She couldn't speak. I didn't know what to do. My blood ran cold. I could feel her panic.

I hung around for a bit after she left, hoping that a small boy would ride by on a scooter looking for his mum and I could tell him which way she'd gone, help him to cross the road, go chasing after her. 

But no small boys came by.

I hope she found him.

Today's Photo: Cormorant

October 23, 2021

This is my life now:

Even more than the sight of it (especially at night), I'm transfixed by the sound. I normally have a very low tolerance for noise, but I keep the livestream running all day because the noise is amazing. It's like the sea, but it's fire. It's wild nature. It's ASMR.

I'm a Sagittarian, is all I can think of to explain my fascination.

That said, I'm very glad to not be on La Palma right now.

Today's Photo: Glued

October 22, 2021

That Man sent me an email after yesterday's session, saying "Sorry for rambling!!!" with about fifty six thousand exclamation marks.

It wasn't rambling, mate, it was gaslighting; it was trampling all over someone's boundaries.

The annoying thing is, I really really do want to talk to the anarchists for this project and most likely would've summoned up the courage in my own sweet time, even knowing how much it'd take out of me and how awkward and uncomfortable I'd feel. 

But he put me on the defensive so much I now have to do teenage girls on swings instead just to spite him. The rage I'd feel if he tried to congratulate me for going to talk to the anarchists would short-circuit my laptop and possibly set fire to my house.

Anyway, I have too many tabs open so here's a links round up so I can shut a few:

The day The Beatles rocked staid Dunedin.

Travelling across Kazakhstan by rail.

Check out the original 1851 reviews of Moby Dick. 

Why Netflix viewing figures matter.

DSM-5 TikTok.

We All Need To Work More Autistically.

Queen of the stone age: my love affair with Wales' megaliths.

And I'm still glued to the volcano. When I tried to find out if air traffic is affected, like it was when Eyjafjallajökull erupted in 2010, I discovered that Cumbre Vieja is expected to keep erupting until December. Which means I've somehow got to drag my attention away from the livestream and back onto the coursework.

Today's Photo: Scaffolding

 

October 21, 2021

This is what the moon looked like when I got to work this morning (crow for scale):

 A longer view:

Marvellous.

Less marvellous was that man infuriating me in our Teams meeting this afternoon. The current module involves researching a community action group or campaign/protest movement. He asked if I'd had any ideas on what to study; I said was considering either women and public space, or the anarchists who've occupied an empty estate agents' premises near me.

The anarchists would be the best ones to study, I told him, the most fun, the most interesting, but I know how stressful I'd find it to approach them, so I'll most likely do women and public space instead because I could do that online.

This prompted a monologue about how I should go and talk to the anarchists.

Talking to people is easy because talking to people is easy, he said.

If you find the idea of talking to people hard, you probably just need to prepare better, he said.

I can talk to him during our one-hour Teams meetings, so surely conversation's not that difficult? he said.

Why would I struggle with talking to people when I've "had relationships and travelled the world?" he said.

[No; no; oh yes I do; omfg I can't even.]

I told him that forcing myself to complete a diploma in journalism ten years ago caused a burnout I'm still not fully recovered from, but he still carried on, telling me about all the things I should ask the anarchists.

I told him that the strain of making myself interview strangers day in day out back then almost destroyed me and I'm not keen to repeat the experience, not even for half a day, half an hour, half a minute. 

Just make a list, prep some questions, give it a go, he said. 

I told him I'm no longer prepared to just give things like this a go, because I've being "giving it a go" for as long as I remember and I'm profoundly tired of trying to do things I know will cause me soul-pain, especially when I don't have to do them. I've got an autism diagnosis now; these days I have realistic expectations of my capabilities and will never push myself so hard again. I do what I can within my autistic boundaries, and everything else can go to hell, including the rest of this degree course if needs be.

As the chief tutor told us last year: "Don't get in your own way. If you're shy, design a project that won't be hampered by your shyness; if you're a lazy bastard, design a project that a lazy bastard can manage."  

'Don't get in your own way' is advice I have taken to heart. I know how difficult approaching the anarchists would be, so I do not want to approach the anarchists. How many more times do I have to tell him...

But still he went on. He really, really, wanted me to go and talk to the anarchists. 

How the fuck are people like this allowed to support autistic students?

Later on he asked me to "angle the camera down, I can only see the top of your head" again, seemingly unaware I can see myself in the small rectangle at the bottom of the screen where my head and shoulders were clearly and unproblematically in shot, leading me to suppose (again) he just wants to see my tits.

Anyway it was a sunny day and after the despair wore off I went for a walk and saw some nice mushrooms growing around the base of a tree.

Today's Photo: Fun Guy

PS. I wrote about the common modules in April. Here's an update: https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-58947138

 

October 20, 2021

In between naps I indulged in some culture today.

First, a trip to the cinema to see Oliver Sacks: His Own Life.

A beautiful man. He was definitely one of those people who should've lived forever.

Then tonight I joined a Guardian Live talk to see Rebecca Solnit discussing her new book Orwell's Roses. It was an engrossing hour, and she was wearing a wonderful lapel badge:

Somebody tweeted a live link to the volcanic eruption on the Canary Islands last night and, in between naps and culture, I cannot stop watching it.

I thought it might be less interesting during daylight hours but it was still as formidable, mesmerising and beautiful, just in a different colour palette.

The link is here.

Today's Photo: Window Reflection

 

 

October 19, 2021

A nothing day. A day for curling up and sleeping. 

A recovery day.

Photo du Jour: Night View

 

October 18, 2021

My New Year's Resolution not to drop an egg on the kitchen floor lasted a whopping 291 days.

Today's Photo: Lecture 

October 17, 2021

Phew. Somehow, I pulled it out the bag. The essay was handed in at 9.30pm, and I think it's all right.

I would like to thank my autism for fixating on the minutiae that ultimately made it an interesting thing to write, and my ADHD for producing the daredevil spurt at the end to get the thing done a whisker ahead of deadline.

Although my ADHD didn't help matters by making it impossible to plan, or take decent notes.

At least my autism dutifully noted down all the authors, titles, page numbers and URLs of the things I read as I went along.

(It also bloody loved doing the referencing.)

Together, they totally won at the hyperfocus that means I've barely seen daylight for three weeks because I've been doing this, this, and only this, in between going to work.

Their intensity also roped in eleven textbooks and a stack of papers 1.5cm thick - that's a lot of reading for a 3000 word essay.

I did manage a quick walk in the sun this afternoon, between finishing off the draft and doing the final revisions, and my poor body didn't know what had hit it. It's used to being scrunched up on the sofa with a laptop balanced on its knees.

Today's Photo: Tree Face

October 16, 2021

I'm two paragraphs away from finishing it. 

Started early - my brain works better then.

Think I will have something to hand in tomorrow after all. This feels slightly disappointing - I was hoping for a more exciting result, like the complete disintegration of my outward persona.

After blogging last night I saw a timely autism thread on Twitter.

I'll quote the bits that hit home hardest:

Today was the first day in my life that someone, to my face, told me that I have experienced some sort of trauma. And I've realized that maybe to most people, it probably doesn't look like trauma. It probably looks like encouragement.

These are the phrases I have heard throughout my life (and still as an adult sometimes) which often trigger me: 

You'll be fine! 

You're an expert at this! 

You can do this! 

You deserve it! 

Don't worry about it, it's not a big deal. 

Don't be so negative! 

You're so smart!

When you're told you don't need support or that you're so [good quality here], you "learn" to get by without support when you need it. You learn not to ask for help. You learn to do things on your own....

People talk about how when you do something a few times it gets easier. For me, some things never ever get easier. They never do. It's the same anxiety every time.

"Practice makes perfect." "If you keep doing it you'll get better, it'll be easier." 

Even growing up, I knew this was a lie for certain things in my life... I couldn't explain why but I knew it was a lie. I got told it wasn't over and over again.

Even as an adult I think the people around me will hate me if I fail... It's not a rational feeling. It's a feeling my body learned growing up and continues to learn. 

This might sound silly, but I never knew that failing was an option. Only in college did I start actively trying to be less perfectionist than I was, to intentionally not give 100% when I knew it didn't matter. I could barely do it. I'd try to be proud of myself when I did.  

But even though I'd try to encourage it myself, it's not like anyone else would be proud of me for that. No one congratulates you if you get a B on a paper, or if you turned an assignment in late (which I only did once in high school, and yes I was proud of it).

If I fail my dissertation defense, I want a failure party. I want an "it's over" party. I want a "good job surviving that trauma and coming out alive" party. Perfection shouldn't be the meaning of life.  

Being autistic inherently means being unlikeable and abrasive in our current society. That's what it means to be myself. To be brutally honest, too much, annoying. Perfectionism was all I had that people congratulated. So failure wasn't an option. I want it to be an option.

What I didn't hear in my life - 

It's okay to fail! 

We'll be here no matter what happens. 

I'm here if you want me to listen to your concerns. 

It's okay to feel anxious/worried/scared about this. 

It's okay if things don't go well.      

Oof. As someone who veers wildly between giving everything I've got, or just not bothering at all, the encouragements I've received when doing well during those rare periods of application have always felt completely false. Insulting, even. I've never known why. I sort of understand now.

As someone in the replies said, "Those responses of "encouragement" always felt empty to me. I wanted actual support, and it felt like they were expecting something from giving me nothing."

And:

"In my experience, each of these ['encouragements'] tend to precede conversations where it either becomes clear I have failed to meet the expectations of the other person, or that the other person has no regard for my own boundaries & limits, which I have learned through great difficulty."

And:

"I never realized that it was okay to hate this sort of "encouragement" which always feels like telling me I'm a failure up front."

And:

"Always sounds like 'if you were different, you'd be better' to me."

And 

"Everything we hear is lip service. Which is why all those "encouraging" phrases are traumatic: they're what people tell us as a way to not engage with us when we try to surface our problems."

And:

"I can't even allow myself to feel proud of the fact that I'm doing well, because now all I can think about is what will happen the first time I make a mistake."

By putting vague, uncomfortable feelings into word form so I could recognise them, Autistic Twitter has helped me more than any living person in my life. I wish we could all get together and have a big, socially uncomfortable, "fuck these feelings of inadequacy" party.

Today's (Only) Photo: Halfway

October 15, 2021

It's a 3000 word essay and I'm almost in sight of the halfway mark after another full day's work. There is now a very real possibility that I won't get it done by the Sunday night deadline.

My feelings around this are fascinating me. There's no panic at all, no shame, no despair (the hallmarks of last year). 

Rather, I'm curious, amused. Thrilled, even.

Because I've not really failed at anything like this before. How would it feel to get a poor mark, flunk the module, be less than good, after getting distinctions for everything last year? I don't know, but in the absence of panic I can reasonably assume it won't be the end of the world. It feels kind of exciting to be on the verge of finding out.

I've always tried so hard to be good. My whole life has been devoted to busting a gut just to keep up, do okay, not fall behind, be enough. If I didn't think I'd be good at something, I wouldn't even take part.

And yet suddenly here I am not giving a shit about any of that, and it's brilliant.

Of course I'll try and produce something worthy of handing in. Some habits you can't shake off so easily. But academic failure is an intriguing new direction to explore.

Oh, wait - this isn't entirely true. I've just remembered 18-year-old me who left school with three piss-poor A Levels, and who genuinely didn't care.

Welcome back, kid, it's been a while.

Today's Photo: Max Gross

October 14, 2021

Outside still exists, apparently - I caught a glimpse of it this morning:

The essay isn't getting any easier. Today I've added another paragraph - the sum total of seven hour's work.

Getting a bit sick of it now. Sick of the executive dysfunction that keeps tripping me up - I've got all the themes and ideas worked out in my head, I just can't get them out in coherent form onto the page. There's too much to say, and I keep going round in circles, dipping into my notes for supporting information then drowning in the detail there.

On the plus side, I have none of the panic, turmoil and despair that was the fun feature of year one.

On the minus side, I'm worried I might've simply given up on feeling anything at all.

I don't want to do year three at this institution - if I do manage to graduate, I'd rather do it at a proper university - but I do want to complete the module that involves working in the Special Collections archive next February. This was the thing that attracted me to the course in the first place.

So to get there, I need to claw my way through this essay, and the next, and the next. This is why I just keep chipping away at it, one sentence at a time. Maybe it'll be finished by the deadline on Sunday. Maybe.

Today's Photo: Word

October 13, 2021

Look at this lovely thing:

It makes me want to be on my way somewhere... haven't seen stars like that since I lived in New Zealand.

(Think the original video's on Vimeo?) 

Deep into essay writing now. Been at it half the day and have managed to produce about 200 deeply shonky words. All the necessary information's in my head, I just can't prise it out onto the page. 

Why is so haaaaaard???

Today's Photo: Blurry Bausond Blackbird