October 7, 2021

The man I now see twice a week via Teams for 'academic support' (after I declined to work again with last year's lady) is what I'm calling bulldozer-friendly.

Bulldozer-friendly because his attempts to be chummy are coming across like an onslaught. 

It's not normal-friendly because he never smiles, never relaxes, never opens up about himself. He just blasts out statements, with a strange lack of inflection and a permanent worried frown.

This onslaught of machine gun friendliness is hard work and it's wearing me out.

During our very first meeting he said that he and I "should go out for a wine at lunchtime" when I'm on campus for a module next year. He's mentioned it again every session since to the point where it feels invasive. 

Today he suggested with a strange half-smile that I could pop into his office to say hello in person on Monday, seeing as it's Reading Week and I won't have lectures. I was forced to remind him that I live a two-and-a-half hour drive away from the university and have two jobs to go to that day, which he knew because we'd just talked about it.

He knows about my jobs because he bombards me with personal questions. What work do you do. What do you read/watch/listen to. What do you drink. Tell me what you do in your spare time. So you like your own company then. How long have you lived where you live. Where did you live before that. What time do you eat your meals at night. What time do you go to sleep. Where do you go on holiday. Do you exercise. Where did you grow up. Just quickly give me a run down on what you've done with your entire life since you left school. 

Er, he's just supposed to help me write essays? But wait, there's more.

Twice he's asked me to angle the camera down during our Teams meetings "so I can see you better," when he could see the talking bits perfectly well already.

Today's weird suggestion was to suggest I email him whenever for literally no reason at all (his words: "just to let me know how you're doing"), developing a theme from the email he sent me last night:

Write to me later if you have the time, pardon?

And what the fuck's going on with all those emojis?

When I tried to explain that I won't 'write later' because I'm autistic he just looked hurt and confused.

Two points, Mr Academic Support Man:

First of all, you're academic support, mate, Teams is not a dating site (he's an older gentleman).

Second of all, if you're paid to provide academic support to autistic people, it might be helpful to have even the tiniest clue about how autistic people operate.

We don't operate like this. I'm confused, creeped out and exhausted by whatever it is that's happening here. It might be genuine friendliness, it might be professional friendliness, it might just be that he's a desperate saddo - I have no idea. All I know is it's making me uncomfortable.

I do not understand why I would need to email him - or anyone - for no clear reason. I do not understand his insistent and impractical suggestions that we meet in person. I do not understand why he needs to know so much personal information about me all in one go. Worst, I don't know if it's him being the weird one, or me.

I like my social relationships like I like my broccoli - organic, and generally not in my face. His pushiness is freaking me out and it's only our third week. I'm already panicking about this going for a drink with him nonsense - feeling ill about saying yes, feeling ill about saying no. It's four months away.

If he is 'just being friendly' then he needs to understand (being the paid professional in this situation) that I, an autistic person, do not 'do' friendliness like that. Chances are I find social situations - even ones I want to be in - stressful and depleting. Chances are I'd vastly prefer to be alone and doing my own thing. Chances are I don't like being backed into corners by social norms that are alien to me.

Chances are I will not have the communication skills or confidence to explain any of this verbally, so I will not able to extract myself gracefully from an awkward situation. Chances are I will worry myself sick about it. Chances are I will force myself to do it anyway in case it turns out different this time and ends up being all right (it won't).

What I wish neurotypicals would understand is that pushing their version of normality onto autistics harms us. We'll smile and go along with it for fear of causing offence, right up until the moment we can't pretend anymore. Then we crash and burn, or run away before it gets that bad, but then we're viewed as weird and transgressive when we are only trying to save ourselves. 

Being social is not our natural behaviour, but we're constantly made to feel like it should be. Why is it always us that needs to be more like them and not the other way round? Even meeting halfway would be nice. 

We're fine as we are. Let us be autistic, FFS.

Today's Photo: Autumnal