August 5, 2021

I skipped doing the blog last night because I was too drained. Couldn't summon the energy to crack open the laptop and copy the photos over from the camera. So here I am on Friday morning, cheating by changing the posting time.

The day began early - anxiety woke me at 3.30am. I had to make a cup of tea and some toast and read a book for a while before I could drop off again. Then it was up again soon after to take the car to the garage for a 9am MOT. 

I don't know why MOTs are so stressful. I think it's because I interpret them as some sort of value judgement - if the car fails, I've failed. It feels personal. 

Then there's the phone calls. I find phone calls impossible, and MOTs always seem to involve a lot of them, and once you've navigated those you then have to run the gauntlet of speaking to terrifying mechanics in person (and they are always terrifying, even when they're trying to be nice to you.)

The car failed, of course, on brakes and welding (with my unerring instinct for a bargain, I bought a self-consuming rust bucket). Which involved yet more phone calls.

My friend Matt once had a kitten whose front and back legs did not work in tandem. Molly would attempt to scamper, and her front half would manage this successfully, but her back legs would swing off in a different direction, on their own inscrutable journey. And then she'd fall over. Her front half and back half were only vaguely connected in a neurological way. 

I loved Molly with all my heart. Despite her disability she never stopped trying, and was the sweetest little thing. And I thought of her yesterday while attempting to book a welding appointment over the phone. There was absolutely no connection between what was going on my brain and what was coming out of my mouth. I knew what I wanted to say, but it was simply not happening. At one point I had to stop speaking because I was making no sense - there were several equally important points to mention all trying to come out at once. I paused, took a deep breath, and started again. But I still couldn't formulate what I wanted to say before I said it. It's like turning a tap on - the water just comes out.

He must've thought I was insane. I was just staring at myself in horror, remembering Molly.

Anyway, after all that I retired to the safety of the sofa, until it was time for bed.

Today's Photo: Danger of Death